Authentic Distressed Climber Jacket – $650

I’ve had amazing adventures in this jacket so you don’t have to! Thousands of dollars and multiple years have been invested in climbing with this jacket around the world, disappointing my family, dodging responsibility, and ruining friendships with my life choices. Why do all that uncomfortable, expensive, time consuming shit when you can buy the impression that you already have?

It’s easy to show how woke you are to “real climbing” when at the gym; just butt floss your PAS/daisy chain or, my personal favorite, un-rack hexes, tricams, and maybe a rigid stem friend or ice screw from your harness in the lobby (be sure to rerack before your next gym sesh!). But what if you’re not wearing your harness or at the gym? How will people know you own pitons, a soloist, and mono points? I mean, you don’t, but you can pretend to, if you wear the jacket.

Take a look at your current jacket. What has it been saying about you? You’re a chill person with cool friends and hobbies? Fuck that. Buy this jacket and you’ll be seen as the hardcore climber with a precarious sense of self, the inability to connect with others unless on belay, and a disregard for the obligations of reality. Hip and edgy.

While this jacket featured the latest in lofty, ultralight, and warm insulation, it has been laboriously flattened under expedition loads, weighted with skin cells and grime, and left colder than a denim vest. You’ll therefore want to use it only as an aesthetic outer layer on anything but the hottest days. Kinda like tape gloves for a slab, completely unnecessary, but fuck do you look rad at the bar after.

This ain’t Patagucci with spliff burns folks, this is the real deal.  14 poorly patched holes acquired in the field, a replaced zipper, and even a massive fresh hole on the arm to show that you’re still in the thick of it (okay, one spliff burn). Boost your Perceived Grade in climbing circles, never get good service at a restaurant, and repel non-homeless members of your preferred sex. Buy.


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